Pimpin' Kermit

Sittin' here watchin' some Olympics, something horrible came on. Need to take a minute to regain my senses and to explain.

One of the more important aspects of watching the Super Bowl is, of course, watching the commercials (especially when the Super Bowl is as boring a game as this year's was -- except that play where Rothlisberger ran right up to the line of scrimmage, stopped and completed a pass to convert a third-and-25, that was brilliant). So, at some point while grabbing some good Maui kettle BBQ chips during the Super Bowl, I looked up at the TV and saw the tail end of some commercial with Kermit the Frog singing about how it actually wasn't that hard to be green. Through the magic of the Internet, I discovered that the commercial was from Ford and was about their gas-electric hybrid little SUV and Kermit was singing that it might actually be easy to be green because this SUV was green. The first part of the commercial featured Kermit singing about how it wasn't easy being green while riding mountain bikes and kayaking and rock climbing.

OK, that was pretty entertaining. It's a nice play on Kermit's classic song, particularly where Kermit gets his worried face while hanging on to a cliff with one hand. Enthusio liked it, so did I. Still, it's a small bit disturbing to see Kermit being a corporate pitch guy. I mean, Sesame Street is one of the most sacred things to people my age. One of my high school friends -- who now teaches high school Latin and AP English -- claims that our generation is more tolerant because, hey, we watched Sesame Street and, on Sesame Street, it didn't matter whether you were pink or blue or green or purple. And Kermit was the ringleader on Sesame Street, of course. But all things change and, when the rights to the Muppets were sold to Disney, you had to figure that the Muppets would get somewhat more commercial. I'm a grown-up, I can live it. Kermit pitching for a Ford hybrid. OK, give me some more chips and a beer.

But, tonight, what I saw something that sort of me feel like Roy Schneider in Jaws when he is throwing out the chum and first sees the shark come out of the water. Just speechless horror. You're gonna need a bigger boat for this one.

Just for you, I will relive the experience as a stream of consciousness. I come downstairs from getting The Mermaid and Enthusio tucked in and there's a pizza commercial coming on. There's a geeky-looking kid starting to eat his pizza. There's a song coming on. It sounds like "these bots are made for poppin'" What? Oh, wait, it's Jessica Simpson. Oh, I heard about this. She's singing something based on Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" Wow, that's a bad song. Wow, it's being sung badly. Oh, they're talking about how the pizza has cheese bites around the edge. It's "bites," not "bots." That's good, "bots made for poppin'" makes no sense. You mean, the pizza has a pre-formed crust? There isn't some cook in the back carefully forming the crust from a lump of dough and carefully making sure the edge comes together? Lame. Ms. Simpson seductively throws one of cheese bites into the geeky kid's mouth. Wow, classy. Wait, wait, wait, what the hell is this?!? That's Kermit! He's saying, "We'll have what he's having." There's Miss Piggy! She's kicking him! It's not only about bad pizza with a bad, bad version of a bad, bad song being sung by a bad singer, it's also a bad take-off of a sex joke! You have got to be kidding me. They made Kermit participate in this! Kermit! Not Kermit! No, no, no!

At this point, I have almost lost a few of my senses. I must sit down. The horror is overwhelming. My mind is swimming. I am horrified because Jim Henson must be rolling over in his grave. No, I would be more horrified if Jim Henson wasn't rolling over in his grave. Kermit, Boots Are Made For Walking, Jessica "Is It Fish or Chicken?" Simpson, bad pizza, sex joke. Make it stop! Please! Kermit, bad pizza, sex. Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Is Elmo next? Will my children have to watch Blue's Clues Steve selling Viagra? Please, I beseech you, no.