Who Is Killing The New Celebrities?

We have become a pretty celebrity-obsessed culture. Why was Keith Richards in the coconut tree? Why did Britney divorce K-Fed just to start dating someone who looks (but hopefully doesn't smell) just like him? Is it because Britney's underwear keeps disappearing? Why can't Halle and Jennifer hold on to men? Maybe they need new hair. Where was the sexy and why is Justin the only one who cares about bringing it back?

Given this level of celebrity obsession, it is very mysterious to me how a recent rash of celebrity deaths has gone so underreported. And not just celebrities, but brand-new celebrities, people who haven't had a good public divorce yet, who probably haven't even gotten their well-deserved celebrity party gift bags with $10,000 Rolexes and such. It is such a tragedy and yet so little attention has been given to it.

It seems like since about mid-December, all of these new celebrities just keep dying. There must be a conspiracy. Suddenly, a new star bursts out like a supernova and, two weeks later, he or she is dead. There has been shockingly little coverage of this. I mean, where is the Star? Where is Us? People? We need answers. I mean, just weeks after someone is announced as the world's oldest person, he or she is dead. Someone or something is killing these poor brand-new celebrities just as they enter the prime of their lives. We need to find out what is going on and we need to find out now. Call Fox Mulder or at least Dick Cheney.